A wise man...

...once told me that, when writing newspaper articles, you should be controversial. If you are conservative then no-one gets offended, no-one gets motivated, no-one gets inspired, and - quite frankly, no-one give a shit about what you have to say. Err on the side of controversy, and at least you hear from the public and establish some sense of connection.

I fear that my pointless blog postings - apart from being highly irrelevant, and unbelievably useless - have been a little too conservative. Following through the aforementioned advice to it's ultimate conclusion, I have no connection. Given that, I have decided to respond promtly to these changing times and embrace the paradigm shift. Others in a similar situation would immediately fire up, do an about face, and start offending anyone they can lay their blogs on.

Not I. At the risk of coming across as a self-obsessed sook, I am opting for a more dramatic response (well, it seems dramatic to me - but that's probably just another example of the inherent problem I am currently encountering). I am dropping this fkn blog.

(Can anyone else hear those chirruping crickets in the distance?)

Fk it - who was I kidding anyway...I probably have the shortest attention span of anyone I know (there goes those self-obsessed tendencies again), from the whole "expose-embrace-exit" cycle of fads. To be honest, there are more than enough opinions being thrown around out there anyway, without me contributing any shite.

By the way - it wasn't a wise man, it was some fkn tosser. And he didn't tell me, he told a microphone that dutifully broadcast it to about a million other fkn listeners...all unique, all just like me.

Starbucks

With all the Starbucks stores closing across Australia over the past few days, one of the news programs did some interviews of shocked and distraught (ex)patrons of the fine establishment...the interviewer asked one lady why she was so shattered about Starbucks leaving Australia, and this antipodean young lass with a strong Aussie accent replied "Because it's an American icon...".

Fk me.

McGastronomique

Time to worry.

Recently, the "Golden Arches" have taken it upon themselves to expose our limited Australian palates to the tasty temptations of other cultures.

According to the sadistic, red-headed clown with a permanent grin and all his little hombres, starting off with a burger and cheese in a bun is the best way to start...and from there the opportunities are apparently endless...

Italy - add a sprinkling of Parmesan cheese to the top of the bun
China - add a dollop of sweet and sour sauce in between the burger and the cheese
India - add a layer of satay sauce to the burger
Australia - add a dusting of flour to the top of the bun (that turns it into genuine damper) and put some beetroot and bacon inside

All this annoys me, and I think it shouldn't. But it does.

I am clearly getting old.

Ponder this, Plato.

I'm sitting here at work, and as I glance out my window in search of some clarity and inspiration I am repeatedly distracted by a moth caught in between the flywire and the window pane. Now I have been disturbed by many a moth fluttering stupidly around the bedroom at night in search of the only source of light (that more often than not seems to be the light from the clock radio shining off my bald head), and so I hate fekkin' moths just as much as the next person (unless the next person is some Zen-driven moth lover). Having said this, the sight of this moth caught in the window makes me feel a little sad - this thing probably has a life span of about 24 hours which is a little short but in some sort of cosmic trade-off, he's got the ability to fly. Unfortunately, either by some stroke of bizarre misfortune or stupidity on his part (probably the latter), he's going to have to spend the rest of his existence walking around looking for an escape from this man-made prison rather than flying around light globes. Even more unfortunate is the fact that I can't go and help him escape because: a) I am paid to write documents that no-one reads, not save moths; and, b) I would be told off for going out and taking the flywire screen off the window because that isn't my job, and if everyone did what I was doing then the person whose job it is to take the screens off would be out of a job.

The point of all this.....a question.

Is it the moth that is trapped, or is it me?

The hunter remains the hunter.

I was watching this leopard trying to catch a meal the other day (on TV, not in my backyard), and it spent about an hour stalking the prey. Then a monkey or something went nuts and the herd of whatever it was ran off, and the leopard just wandered off and planned the next hunting trip.

This is after it had just spent about four hours trying to haul a carcass up a river bank and into a tree, only to have it stolen by a lazy lioness or something. And THAT was after about three days wandering around Africa (sorry, can't be more specific) starving.

The outcome: I can pretty much guarantee that - despite being apparently further along the evolutionary path to superiority - I would have mentally crumbled and given up after all that. I may have opposable thumbs, but I don't think I have the will-power to repeat a task that I have just spent several days working non-stop to accomplish, only to have it stolen at the last minute by a lazy carnivore higher up the pecking order...

...now if you will excuse me, I must get back to work and get this report finished for my boss to present to his boss...

PS. Think about it.

Don't you get the feeling that we've done this kind of thing before?

We've all sat there watching the documentaries about various subjects, with old footage of people watching nuclear explosions from 50m wearing nothing more than some tinted sunnies and an extra t-shirt to protect them from radiation, or sitting around an asbestos-lined heater to stay warm, or smoking the ciggies with extra nicotine to get that extra pick-me-up after a hard days work.

And while we've been sitting there, we've all thought "Oh, look at those poor, simple-minded fools...so innocently stupid to the damage they're doing to themselves. It's a good thing we aren't that dumb!"

Want I want to know is this: how many generations before people are sitting on their couches, watching file footage of such unethical, immoral, socially-unacceptable behaviour as driving petrol-fuelled cars, whaling, etc.

I have a question, Mr Attenborough

I have just spent the day in the garden shifting rocks and, as you would expect, there were a lot of spiders. I noticed that there were these massive (see footnote 1) black ones under the rocks, and there was always a smaller brown one with black stripes on its thorax. The black ones just hung around like a rock-potato and got into a streamlined shape like I was going to drop them into a wind tunnel and kill them if they didn't perform successfully, and the brown one was always scurrying away like a nutter - and very much like I would have done if I were suddenly discovered by something a million times bigger than me (see footnote 2).

Anyway, this recurring "rock-potato /scurrying nutter" got me thinking. I am guessing that the spiders are different genders of the same species (see footnote 3), and one is protecting the nest while the other one runs away and distracts the Doomsday Destroyer (in today's case, I was playing the part of the doomsday destroyer). So, I wonder if the black spider really is a rock-potato and can't be bothered running, and just acted like a martyr and send the brown spider off on a running race with death.

Black spider: "So - this looks like a pretty safe rock, but we should have a plan in case something goes wrong."
Brown spider: "Okay, what do you have in mind?"
Black: "Well, I was thinking one of us should run and the other one stays back to defend the nest and attack the attacker."
Brown: "Wow. Good idea. No point both of us having to stay behind and fight. Should I stay behind since I'm more agile and smaller - they will find it harder to attack me."
Black: "No - I think I should. I am deadlier, so it just takes one bite from me and the trouble ends. Besides, you are a better runner."
Brown: "Hmmm. That's a lot of running. Maybe we should take it in turns?"
Black: "No - I don't think so. That would mean the first few seconds of an attack we are running around the rock trying to work out who should run or who should stay. It's best if I stay and attack all the time."

So that's how it went - all those years ago, with one lazy black spider and a gullible brown spider. While the brown spider is running madly, the black spider just sits on the rock and lazily does nothing, knowing that there is very little chance of both of them surviving an attack, and so the logic only has to apply once. If they do both survive the black spider can just make up a story how they kicked the buttooshka of the attacker and won, because the old brown spider was running and has no idea if it's true or not.

Spiders. I tell you....don't trust them.

Footnotes:
1- when I say massive, I mean bigger than I would prefer spiders to be. They were about the size of your little fingernail (assuming you're an average person, and not someone with a freakishly huge little fingernail), and then the legs went out from there. If it were up to me, the only spiders on the planet would be daddy long legs...but then, if it were up to me there wouldn't be any snakes or anything like that either, so it's probably just as well I'm not in charge of shortlisting for "species selection and distribution".
2- so I'm probably not a million times bigger than these spiders, but it's for effect. You know what I fkn mean.
3- big guess, but you weren't there so you didn't see the spiders, dear reader. I was, it's my story, and so I am dropping them into the same genetic basket. :)